he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
