why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
