I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
