It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
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