i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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