thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize