I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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