I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
