smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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