Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
