i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
