Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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