If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
