so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
