I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
