Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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