Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize