A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
