hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
