I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm like, not good at living.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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