I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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