At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
