You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
