No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
