youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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