Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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