I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
The ass gains better be worth it
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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