I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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