he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
