trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Randomize
