careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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