just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
