Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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