We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
