I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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