We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize