look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
