I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Randomize
