I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize