So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You've changed since you got that strap on
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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