moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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