Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
