Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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