thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
