he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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