You're a womanizer and a bitch.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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