Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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