They should really pass out barf bags in church
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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