I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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