Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
