Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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