I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
