he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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