I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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