Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Randomize
