you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
you had me at cake vodka
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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