I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
