Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
