fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize