I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
