i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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