I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize
