I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
