If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
