Don't make out with my wife yet
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
